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My Dirty Little Secret Part 3

  • Before I get started. If you haven't read parts One and Two, you HAVE to go back and read them. This isn't an attempt to garner views, but a way to help you understand what I'm talking about and where I'm coming from and I'm too lazy to catch you up while pouring out my soul. Things may get a little choppy. I may digress here and there. And for those who have been with me throughout this whirlwind may notice some VERY important moments are missing (I have to have SOMETHING for my memoirs). I also NEVER intended for there to be a Part Three.

    On December 9th of 2015 I had a massive seizure that left me barely functional. I lost much of my memory and after a CT and an MRI ten days later I was diagnosed with Arnold Chiari Malformation of The Brain: Stage 1. I was unofficially diagnosed at the ER when I had the first of what would become many seizures, though DEFINITELY, the worst.

    Now, hearing this brought me to hysterical laughter inspite of the very serious look on the doctor's face. Being that; 1.) I had been administered a powerful intravenous pain killer and anti-seizure medication. And 2.) Like most of you reading this I HAD NEVER HEARD OF CHIARI MALFORMATION. Upon my release from the emergency room I was referred to a neurologist and placed on anti seizure and pain medication, as well as told it was best for me not to drive.

    Prior to meeting my neurologist Google was my only source of information;

    The above link was the first video I watched about my condition. It was the most informative and least terrifying, though very emotional. I still sometimes cry when I show it to others because it's still the BEST way to explain without overloading them with medical terms.

    My first CT Scan that December showed my brain was protruding by 2cm out of my scull. I was in what's considered Stage One. At my second visit with my neurologist in January of 2016, after my first MRI I was declared inoperable. Though my gait, speech, vision, hearing, and motor functions were impaired. Though I was having seizures even while on anti-seizure medication and often waking up having seizures or vomiting and had begun receiving Occipital Neuro-Blockers (Shots in the back of my head) weekly just to function. Senses impaired, some intensified, some deminished... I was NOT and probably would NEVER be a candidate for surgery. Which was the only thing that would help these symptoms.

    The Holy Spirit had already been comforting and strengthening me and reassuring me that everything would be ok. How can I not trust God? No matter how bad things got... I trusted God. I even continued to work.

    Me on my way to work

    So though this news devistated me when I heard it... I just kept smiling. I left my neurologist's office that day feeling hurt beyond words. I had been listening to NOTHING but @KLOVERADIO and the first song that played was Call It Grace by Unspoken

    The definition of Grace was given to me as follows:


    God's empowering presence, which enables us to do that which Truth demands.

    Jesus: ...I am the way, THE TRUTH, and the light...

    Jesus was God in flesh upon the earth, He died for our sins, that the law and prophecies, would be fulfilled, He rose on the third day, ascended into heaven and will return to judge the living and the dead.

    ..."Some may call it foolish and impossible,

    but for every heart it rescues it's a miracle.

    It's nothing less than scandalous, that Jesus took our place, oh call it what it is, call it grace."...

    ..."It's the breath that's breathing new life into what we thought was dead"...

    I also had found out that I wasn't born with this disease. That it was likely that a traumatic brain injury I incured at 6yrs of age (I was hit by a car), caused it, due to the fact that amidst the CT scans, MRI, and X-Rays of my head it would've been seen. I was also asked if I had ever been diagnosed with any mental illnesses or deficits. I answered yes. And was told that because of the movement of the brain it was VERY common. He recommended that I be treated for depression despite my upbeat attitude. I refused. Even with my prior diagnoses I had been taken off of my medication so I felt that once God healed me it would be "fixed". Needless to say this song lifted me Soul, Mind, and Body.

    So much took place after this... I will just barely scrape the surface of these events here... However the BULK of what can only be described as Divine Insanity will be included within my memoir.

    After a blessed encounter with the parent of a former student and her friend at @Walmart that CHANGED MY LIFE FOREVER.

    The scar on my head isn't from shaving it. It is one of many scars on my scalp that I have to this day from being hit and left for dead at 6yrs of age.

    ALL of my impairments were gone. Even the excruciating pain. I was in a place spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically that I had never known. My faith was impenetrable. I was walking an upward of 5-10 miles a day, working, etc. Then I was found unresponsive in my bedroom closet.

    Once EMTs got me awake I was dazed, confused, and angry due to an event that had taken place earlier that evening. I refused to go to the hospital but was told that it was mandatory due to how they found me. While being led out of the house (I refused to be on a stretcher), I heard the VOICE OF GOD as clear as if one of you were speaking to me.

    "You need an In-Depth MRI and a CSF Flow Check." I knew the first one, but the second one, I was beginning to feel like the voice I was hearing WASN'T God like so many of my family members were telling me.

    Getting to the ambulance. I sat there in tears, because God kept telling me to demand these procedures. At the precise moment that the results of me not being obedient became unbearable. One of the EMTs placed her hand on mine, looked me in the eye and said, "It's going to be ok. God is with you." I then really began crying because it was edification of what was going on. "You're a believer?" I asked. "Yes I am." She said smiling. "Are you a believer in Jesus Christ?" I asked. "Yes, I am." She replied, again smiling. "Why do you ASK?"

    I was all of a sudden nervous, "Is there a such thing as a C...S...F fl-ow check?" Her smile indicated that there was. I thanked God before she even responded. "It's a test that checks the flow of your spinal fluid. Why?" There wasn't anymore fear.

    "Because God keeps telling me I need one." She looked at me for a moment, then held my hand, squeezed it, and said "Then we're going to make sure you get one." By the time we had had this exchange the ambulance was pulling up to the hospital. She walked me to my room in the ER and when asked she immediately said, "She needs an In-Depth MRI and a CSF Flow Check!"

    I didn't know this woman. I honestly sadly don't even remember her last name but her first name was Lorie I believe. But she risked her job, sending her unit off without her, to fight for me. The hospital staff felt I was just abnormally normal after seeing that a few days prior I had just had a CT scan that showed no change in my protrusion. But she WOULDN'T STOP. She was FIGHTING for me. With the doctors and staff. FEARLESSLY.

    It was almost 2am when the doctors came in and said that they were able to find me a bed on the neurology unit because I couldn't have the tests performed until the morning.

    I hugged her and told her thank you. She said "You're welcome! And remember God loves you... (And she began to tear up) and so do I." It was a phrase that an older woman whom was dear to my heart at the church I was raised in used to say to EVERYONE, ALL the time, who had passed away. I soaked her shoulder. The knock on the door is what ended our hug. She didn't leave my side until she saw them take me into the elevator.

    Originally the release date was a "?" Even this was done to pacify me I was released the 19th (I believe)

    After being kept in the dark my husband and I were told that the MRI showed that though my brain had RECEDED by 1cm which was thought to be impossible. (I thought he said it was protruding by 1in!) It also showed that I had an extreme case of Hydrocephalus. The CSF Flow Check showed I had Syringomyelia, a 2cm Syrnix in my spinal chord.

    My husband began to cry, as did my nurse. I was just so used to hearing bad news, and though I didn't cry, it felt as if I had been punched in the chest. Because at 4am that morning, God told me everything would be fine. Not to worry. Even though my symptoms had returned.

    "Ok, what's the next move?" He looked at me as if I were insane. "Well, our only choice is Urgent Brain Surgery. A Chiari Decompression." As he explained, I began to cry. They kept trying to console me. "No! you don't understand." I barely got out. "This is what God was talking about. These are happy tears." The neurologist went on to say that he wanted me to stay at the hospital until the surgery. I refused.

    "Victoria, you don't understand. We can't explain why you're even able to walk and talk right now. Staying here is best." I was resolute.

    "So I'm a miracle! Hallelujah! I can't spend another second in this hospital. I have to tell people what God has done! Smell fresh air. Feel the sun on my skin! I'll follow your directions, but I can't stay here."

    God told me in the beginning to do as the doctors said but to TRUST HIM. Unless HE told me otherwise. EVERYTHING happens for a reason. But after these were taken I attempted to admit myself into a psych ward at a local hospital. This wasn't the last time I would be lost... Not just to those that loved me, but even to myself.

    It was about 6am or 7am FREEZING cold

    The rose in my mouth...Yeah it was taken from a grave...I snagged it while I was hiding in a cemetery from the police

    After another "Moment" like this one. I was committed against my will. All of which will be discussed within my memoir. After fighting to prove I was physically ill which was the cause of the mental illness diagnoses of Bipolar Disorder. I was released and went forward to receive surgery. Even getting to the Operating Room was full of memoir material. But GOD MADE A WAY! Life is STILL an EVERYDAY struggle. BUT GOD IS MAKING A WAY! And I know this fight is going to possibly be a lifelong one. BUT GOD WILL MAKE A WAY!

    This entire sureal experience has taught me more than I would've ever thought possible. Brought me closer and further from God than I've ever been. Shown me what TRUE, LOVE, LOYALTY, AND FRIENDSHIP is. And MOST importantly redefined what I thought it meant to LIVE FOR GOD. Lord knows, I'm trying Soul, Mind, and Body... Thorn and all.

    This is IT! (Mostly) My Dirty Little Secret became my GOD GLORIFYING TESTIMONY! No more surprise installments. YES there is MUCH more to tell. Many more pictures this blog wouldn't let me share... But just like Winter... a Memoir is coming... When? Well you should be used to me breaking deadlines... It'll be available soon.


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