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Mental Self Mutilation

  • Self-Mu·ti·la·tion

    noun
    noun: self-mutilation
    the mutilation of oneself, especially as a symptom of mental or emotional disturbance

    With this definition in mind; I personally believe that we can also do this to ourselves mentally by being over critical and unforgiving of ourselves.

    The past few weeks for me have been an absolute struggle. From being unbelievably Ill and having to have my gallbladder removed, to having to rely on my parents for even the simplest things like toiletries and bus fare. Not to mention the implosion of my relationship. Though I have taken everything in stride, I found myself picking myself apart. Every wrong decision, every mistep, I took a magnifying glass to myself until I began burn. It wasn't until, while I was nearly sobbing, my best friend pointed out to me how critical and unforgiving of myself I had become then I saw what I was doing. After realizing it, I wanted to know WHY. How had I created these impossible standards for myself and why was I so determined that these standards should be met despite the fact that I obviously was not going to reach them? Why hadn't I adjusted my focus and goals to suit my abilities? Because there was a time when I COULD realistically have met my expectations of myself. I have been trying, without realizing it to be a version of myself that no longer exists. I thought that I had let go of my past. The pain of feeling abandoned when I needed people, especially my family the most. I forgave all those who fit into that category. I had let all the pain, anguish, and shame go. But, what I didn't do, was let WHO I WAS go. Yes, in regards to the negatives. But I had been holding on to my accomplishments and accolades as if they, solely defined me. To the point where once my abilities became diminished I felt like less of a person. However, now I know that I have a lot of soul searching yet to do. I have to relearn myself. Figure out my physical,mental, and emotional limits. Because the woman I was is gone. And soon the woman I'm becoming will be a memory as well. This is a lifelong process. I will always be growing and changing. Evolving if you will.

    So no time for tearing myself down mentally.
    I have work to do.

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