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Re: Meg and Ion, purpose n such

  • Sooo this is my first entry...  In case any of you were wondering what the deal is with my profile name, it's my first and middle name Megan Dion all chopped up.  I don't know why this appeals to me but I kinda like my name sounding all sciencey, ha!  I'm weird.

     

    Any way, you guys can call me Meg, hi everyone!  

     

    I was drawn to this site because I like the idea of having a positive environment on the interwebs. 

     

    I tend to feel more open and free online, I'm comfortable in my anonymity.  Although perhaps that's what's holding me back.

    I've been through a lot of shit in my life, like an insane amount of shit.  So much in fact, I don't even know how I'm capable of functioning.  I have ptsd, anxiety, depression etc.

     

    Ever since I was a kid writing has helped me cope with a lot of the shit, it can also be exhausting.  I can't quite explain what happens when I write. 

     

    I get into a zone where I'm not even really thinking about what I'm writing down.  It flows out of me, like my third eye opens up and spews all over the keyboard.  I feel like I've been kicked in the gut.

     

    I don't consider myself a good writer or even a writer for that matter.  I'm just using this platform as a coping mechanism.

     

    I'm not sure if writing is apart of my purpose but there are times where I needed it more than oxygen.  It has saved me in many, many ways.  But it can also open up old wounds.

     

    I don't write nearly as much as I should.  Being creative in general runs through my veins.  But I lose interest,  get writers block, etc.  I don't know if it's from a lack of motivation, or my depression. 

     

    A few years back I joined hitrecord.org owned by Joseph Gordon-levitt.  It's a site where creative people come together and collaborate on anything artistic, music, stories, graphic art, photography, etc, etc.  It is a truly fantastic website that I completely recommend.

     

    I dove right into writing 30 poems in 30 days, dabbled in graphic design, photography etc.  It opened up a part of me I'd repressed over the years.  It made me question myself and my creative side.  I started to get frustrated with myself for holding back all these years.  It made me wonder how much farther along I could've been if I stuck with it all these years.  What's done is done I suppose, no turning back.

     

    So I got really into it for almost a year give or take.  Then I kinda lost my mojo.  I feel terrible I can't maintain my creativity.  I actually feel a certain level of guilt about it.  I keep telling myself "you'll get back to it, just take your time."  But then I start to panic thinking about my being middle aged, time running out etc, etc.

     

    I guess I'm a late bloomer, still trying to establish a voice. 

    Ah well, all I can do is take things day by day (baby steps).

    I guess that's it for now. 

    Thanks for reading.

     

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